Needed: Relationship advice from my VGR homies

[Superjoint Ritual]

Okay, I meet this girl who I like to be around more than anyone, she's beautiful, and we seem to really get along nicely. However, she just got out of a relationship in which her ex cheated one her and stuff. Now, she tells me how much she likes me, but I have a strange feeling that I'm being used to make her ex jealous. An exampleis, she just found out her ex got a new girlfriend and got a little depressed and started actng wierd. Now, I'm not a complete moron... I know she still has feeling for him, but that leaves me in a very strange position. She's made it perfectly clear that she wants to have sex, which is usally great. But I'm completely confused how I should proceed. I'd like to have more of a relationship with her, but not at the expense of getting laid. I'm torn between being the good guy, keep my hands to myself with the hopes of her just getting over him, or just saying f*ck it, and get some puddy-tang while I can. I keep thinking if I sleep with her, maybe that will help her forget about him, but I'm really ignorant in these situations because I typically find my fun with, shall we say, "loose" women.

She tells me she likes hanging out with me and has a lot of fun with me. SO I'm inclined to just be patient and see what happens. But I KNOW if she does go back to him without me being with her sexually, I will regret it deeply.

I know there are a lot of married dudes on this board, so I hope you guys have some pearls of wisdom that may help my decision.

[Fivespot]

I'd drop all her baggage for a moment and decide whether or not this is someone whom you are compatible with and interested in pursuing further. If yes, proceed but with caution. What I mean by that is don't invest too much emotionally until you are sure that she can make a serious commitment as well.

Go with the flow. Have a good time. Wait to give it much more until you are more comfortable knowing that she is feeling the same way.

Good luck!

[Mochan]

General rule, I've learned to avoid women who just broke up with their ex. They're real headaches. I got into one right now and she's been more headache than she's worth. The problem is I'm finding that nowadays it's hard to find good women who either aren't in a relationship or who just broke up with their ex. -_- Kinda sucks, it was a lot easier back in college.

Really I'm not the best person to ask about relationships, but in my opinion if she want sex and you're feeling horny, I say give her some noogie.

That is though it you don't ascribe to some old-fashioned "I'm a good guy I want to have sex and be serious only with my wife or the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with."

Basically I'm saying have fun and go with the flow of the situatoin. If you're not in that mindset, keep your distance until you know for sure that she's fallen for you and made you her number one, and you are ready to do the same.

I get the feeling she wants some attention and loving right now after breaking up with her ex. I'm not gonna try to butter it up though; somewhere inside her she is probably using you as a placeholder (not necessarily to make her ex jealous, just something she needs while on the rebound). I have no idea if this will be damaging to any future relationship you two might have, but I tend to think that it doesn't and that you keeping her at bay will simply mean that once she's over the rebound, she will forget about you and/or have no attachment to you afterwards.

Personally I would say go for it, I mean ideally true love blossoms on a romantic date in a fairytale kingdom but I think it can also be found under the sheets as long as both of you really do want each other. I'd say that even if she is using you as a placeholder, she wouldn't do so if she didn't really want you as well in one way or another.

[Gadfly2317]

The #1 most true thing ever: if you don't have sex with a woman who wants to have sex with you, and the opportunity later dissapears, you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The problem here is you'd like to have a relationship with her. Since it sounds like you guys have been friends awhile, I say go ahead and have sex. Many times. BUT, don't go acting needy or clingy. Keep being whoever you are now, because obviously she's attracted to that.

One thing you do need to do though, and I'd do it soon after getting laid a few times, is just be honest. Straight up ask her what she's looking for. Let her know that you understand people just getting out of long term often need space, OFTEN want to date around, OFTEN engage in "friend sex." Tell her you are looking for a long term relationship and really like her, but want to know if this is just "friend sex" or if she's testing the waters with you.

Getting laid is easy. Open communication necessry to make a relationship is hard. If you guys have a solid friendship already, the communcation should be easier.

[trebor]

But I KNOW if she does go back to him without me being with her sexually, I will regret it deeply.

There's your answer right there - jump her bones.

Based on what you've said, she's obviously rebounding and she might be looking to just have a physical relationship with the next guy she's attracted to. If you're that guy, go for it.

Otherwise, if you don't fufill that need she has, she might find another guy who will, which leaves you as the "friend she spills her emotional guts to before she goes to the guy's house she's banging." Sorry if that's crass, but I'd think that is what you would want to avoid.

Go have sex with her. Your odds of developing a relationship with her are higher if you fufill her needs, both physically and emotionally.

[Fivespot]

I'd drop all her baggage for a moment and decide whether or not this is someone whom you are compatible with and interested in pursuing further. If yes, proceed but with caution. What I mean by that is don't invest too much emotionally until you are sure that she can make a serious commitment as well.

Go with the flow. Have a good time. Wait to give it much more until you are more comfortable knowing that she is feeling the same way.

Good luck!

I need to further clarify. What I wrote relates to any long-term relationship plans if that ends up in the cards. I guess as a married man I look at that larger picture, longer term crap more often than single folk.

All that being said, I agree with everyone else here - go get nutty and enjoy yourself!!! The rest will either come or go in due time.

[Superjoint Ritual]

Thanks guys... I guess I'm going to have sex with her then. :D

[The Prince of Darkness]

Thanks guys... I guess I'm going to have sex with her then. :D


You have not waited to see what your old pal TPoD has to say. Here is something that nobody has mentioned and it relates to the relationship part. If this girl was cheated on in her last relationship, and she still has the desire to "go back" with this guy or to "try to make him jealous with you" then she has zero self esteem. You can certainly have sex with her as long as you think that you will not become emotionally attached. If you are even having an inkling of a thought that you can somehow "change" her by having sex with her you are mistaken. You cannot change someone that has no self esteem. That is something that only time and maybe therapy can help with. My advice to you is to really think it over first, and determine if there is any way that you could possibly get hurt in the situation. If the answer is that there is no way then proceed with a physical relationship. If the answer is that there is a possibilty that you will become attached then look elsewhere.

[trebor]

You have not waited to see what your old pal TPoD has to say. Here is something that nobody has mentioned and it relates to the relationship part. If this girl was cheated on in her last relationship, and she still has the desire to "go back" with this guy or to "try to make him jealous with you" then she has zero self esteem. You can certainly have sex with her as long as you think that you will not become emotionally attached. If you are even having an inkling of a thought that you can somehow "change" her by having sex with her you are mistaken. You cannot change someone that has no self esteem. That is something that only time and maybe therapy can help with. My advice to you is to really think it over first, and determine if there is any way that you could possibly get hurt in the situation. If the answer is that there is no way then proceed with a physical relationship. If the answer is that there is a possibilty that you will become attached then look elsewhere.

Yes, but when you read SJR say stuff like this...

" But I KNOW if she does go back to him without me being with her sexually, I will regret it deeply."

it pretty much concludes the dilemma, in my opinion. It's better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all...as I'm told.

[Gadfly2317]

You have not waited to see what your old pal TPoD has to say. Here is something that nobody has mentioned and it relates to the relationship part. If this girl was cheated on in her last relationship, and she still has the desire to "go back" with this guy or to "try to make him jealous with you" then she has zero self esteem. You can certainly have sex with her as long as you think that you will not become emotionally attached. If you are even having an inkling of a thought that you can somehow "change" her by having sex with her you are mistaken. You cannot change someone that has no self esteem. That is something that only time and maybe therapy can help with. My advice to you is to really think it over first, and determine if there is any way that you could possibly get hurt in the situation. If the answer is that there is no way then proceed with a physical relationship. If the answer is that there is a possibilty that you will become attached then look elsewhere.

You are totally right--and we failed to mention the possiblitiy of SJ getting hurt. But "hurt" only lasts a little while. Regret for the pieces of ass you turned down lingers forever. He'll be seventy, and still going, "dammnit, why didn't I sleep with that hottie when I had the chance." It's weird how that works.

[The Prince of Darkness]

You are totally right--and we failed to mention the possiblitiy of SJ getting hurt. But "hurt" only lasts a little while. Regret for the pieces of ass you turned down lingers forever. He'll be seventy, and still going, "dammnit, why didn't I sleep with that hottie when I had the chance." It's weird how that works.

Well it really depends on what kind of person SJR is, and where he is in his life ya know. I mean when I was young I had no problem getting laid by plenty of "no strings attached" types. The thing is I could not stand getting hurt. So...if it was a question of getting laid by someone that I thought could hurt me I would not take that chance because I knew that I could always look "elsewhere". Now that I'm older I know that the "hurt" that I will experience from lost love will not feel as badly as it used to because I know how stupid it is to let that stuff get to you. So...if I was not engaged I would get all the tail that I possibly could irregardless of the emotional consequences.

[Superjoint Ritual]

Well it really depends on what kind of person SJR is, and where he is in his life ya know. I mean when I was young I had no problem getting laid by plenty of "no strings attached" types. The thing is I could not stand getting hurt. So...if it was a question of getting laid by someone that I thought could hurt me I would not take that chance because I knew that I could always look "elsewhere". Now that I'm older I know that the "hurt" that I will experience from lost love will not feel as badly as it used to because I know how stupid it is to let that stuff get to you. So...if I was not engaged I would get all the tail that I possibly could irregardless of the emotional consequences. Well, you made a great point Prince. I mean, I wish I could say I could sleep with her and be able to feel nothing afterwards, but I can't. I'm going out with her tomorrow night and I still havn't made up my mind. I've never been this conflicted before. I'm probably making a big deal about nothing, but I'm twenty-four and kind of of tired of the whole getting laid just to get laid thing. I'm no pimp or ladies man by any means, I just seem to attract the worst type of women you can imagine. If I go to church girls tend to look at me like I'm O.J Simpson or try and convert me. If I go to a bar, the drunk/over-emotional/bi/freak girl is talking to me in five minutes. Oh well....

I usually have pretty good instincts so I'm going to play it by ear. Thanks for the advice guys.

Maybe I should take some X so I can feel the vibes... ;) j/k

[muffinkitty]

I can't say I know you, but I -can- say I'm a chick. And I -gotta- say, I pretty much agree with TPoD in this case. Not that I'm opposed to getting action when the opportunity arises XD But he's right about the self esteem thing. Especially, warning, don't do -anything- of the kind if she's emotionally worked up or if she's talking about him, because if absolutely anything at all changes against you, you'll look like the devil later, even if you meant well - and she's more likely to just feel done with you and run off that way.
Do it if things are going easy and you're not too concerned over keeping her permanently. Whatever you do, be upfront, because as much as we beat around the bush (good lord, no pun intended) girls -hate- it when guys do it. We're hypocrites :D ...but if you want to keep one of us you have to live with that or figure out how it works, heh.
As a parting statement, you can't change anyone. Nevereverforgetthat. Especially from depressed to undepressed, and especially girls by means of sex. Trrrrust me. Good luck, hope it helps.

(did I use the word especially enough? wow..)

[Superior Beatslayer]

you're a chick?? wow. That gives this forum a grand total of two.

[no.1gamer]

Okay, I meet this girl who I like to be around more than anyone, she's beautiful, and we seem to really get along nicely. However, she just got out of a relationship in which her ex cheated one her and stuff. Now, she tells me how much she likes me, but I have a strange feeling that I'm being used to make her ex jealous. An exampleis, she just found out her ex got a new girlfriend and got a little depressed and started actng wierd. Now, I'm not a complete moron... I know she still has feeling for him, but that leaves me in a very strange position. She's made it perfectly clear that she wants to have sex, which is usally great. But I'm completely confused how I should proceed. I'd like to have more of a relationship with her, but not at the expense of getting laid. I'm torn between being the good guy, keep my hands to myself with the hopes of her just getting over him, or just saying f*ck it, and get some puddy-tang while I can. I keep thinking if I sleep with her, maybe that will help her forget about him, but I'm really ignorant in these situations because I typically find my fun with, shall we say, "loose" women.

She tells me she likes hanging out with me and has a lot of fun with me. SO I'm inclined to just be patient and see what happens. But I KNOW if she does go back to him without me being with her sexually, I will regret it deeply.

I know there are a lot of married dudes on this board, so I hope you guys have some pearls of wisdom that may help my decision.

She wants you, you want her. What's the problem? Go out and have fun with her. Show her what she's been missing out on while she was with that other guy.